[He's still expecting the fury to come back, and it isn't as if it is undeserved. Zack remembered, after all. Years of torment, perhaps. Terrible things, before he even got around to trying to rip the Jenova from him forceably.
And for a long moment he's tempted to evade. Change the topic to something that left him feeling a little less bare.
That hadn't worked very well. Not much ever really would by his estimate, but actively making things worse did not help.]
... Sometimes.
[More often lately than before, when the entire effort seemed wholly pointless.]
I don't want more people to die, but.. I know how it sounds. I do. If I want to be a real hero, then that means sacrifices, just like all of you have made.
[Zack makes a thoughtful noise at that. All the talk of heroics, any time it'd come up with him in the past- could he blame the guy? He himself had wanted it, ever since he was a child. Sephiroth was the hero he'd aspired to be. Cloud, too. Now the roles are reversed, and it's their example he's trying to follow.]
Do you want to be a hero, still? Or do you think you have to, to avoid being a villain?
Maybe it really is just to prove I wasn't like my future self. I don't know. [He shrugs a little.] The title never really meant anything until Folkmore.
[Until he found out heros were real.]
But the more I think about it.. the more I don't want to. Shinra isn't my doing. I didn't bring Jenova to the planet. I didn't start a war with Wutai. Why do I have to stop all of it? ... Besides the obvious of if I know and do nothing every bit of suffering and death is my fault because I didn't.
[Zack makes a thoughtful noise, nodding halfway to himself. Considering everything, how Seph lived until his arrival here, what he's been through, what he's tried back home, and what's happened in this world... a different answer might've felt less honest.]
The way I see it, you don't have to be a hero. You just gotta avoid being a villain. And I never thought you were a villain at heart, so that way you can stay yourself, and it's the best route to getting what you want.
[Jenova needs him to wreck the world. If she can't get him, then she can sit and rot forever.]
That's what I wanted when you first got here, you know? I didn't want you to have to deal with all this shit. Deep down I knew it wasn't gonna stay secret for long, but I thought, how cool would it be if you could just learn how to be a kid, make friends, have fun. Learn the heavy stuff when you had the support for it. I really wanted that for you.
[Being A Hero, all capitals and intentions, was about the accolades. About being noticed, about doing good things and being recognized for it. Posters on walls. He never wanted any of it.
He still didn't.]
I wanted to know, though. As soon as I realized.. someone knew what I was, why I'm different, where I come from.. if I had .. anything beyond the labs, anything to look forward to. I wanted to know so much I used that truth ice cream from last summer on Vincent to force him to tell me what you hadn't.
[Almost absently he digs one claw into the tiny scales along his tail, working on lifting one up. They don't like to, but like a fish's scales, it's possible. What would it have been like, if he hadn't demanded answers?]
I don't regret knowing most of it. It kept me safe, when Jenova entered my dreams. If you hadn't told me, I don't know what would have happened to me. I don't think... being a 'normal kid' was ever in the cards for me, in any time. On any world. But it's a nice thought.
[Zack exhales at that, rubbing a hand briefly up and down his face. Seriously... he doesn't even know what else Vincent had to tell him. Probably shouldn't ask. Did that make things better, or worse...?
He should have asked Vincent so many questions. If only the guy wasn't gone now. If only he hadn't been kind of infuriating to talk to.]
Well, I definitely didn't say, nevermind think, that normal would be a thing. None of us are normal, we can't be normal with what's been put into us. But... yeah, would've been nice. Close to normal's better than not.
[The Turk knew all KINDS of things that Zack didn't, and couldn't have known. It was all very educational, if depressing. He'd have kept hounding about it in more and more inescapable ways if he had to, until he found out. Sephiroth's desire to know overrode the sensibilities of what everyone else would point out gets cats killed all the time.
Even to Sephiroth, talking to Vincent could get infuriating. He hid so much that didn't need hiding.]
No, you didn't. But it's ... part of it, for me.
[Normal. Normal lives, normal families, perfectly ordinary boring expectations when growing up.]
If I hadn't turned out to be unusually strong, would I have just grown up to be a scientist as my human parents had been? That's almost normal. ..A Shinra kind of normal. And then none of you would have gotten dragged into it too. What would you have wanted to do, if SOLDIER was off the table? What did you want to be?
Let's be real, if you weren't as strong as you are, Hojo would've just thrown you away and started over. He's got no use for anybody who doesn't meet his standards. You probably would have been better off.
[It's a good question, though. What would he have done... what could he have been?]
I've had to think about that sometimes, here. Like- could I have been happy, living a different life? Can I be anything besides a SOLDIER now? I dunno. I think if I'd been stuck in Gongaga I'd be miserable. I wanted to do more than just farm mushrooms and chase swamp monsters. If SOLDIER didn't exist, I'd probably be a regular trooper. Probably have died anyway. I was never good at much besides fighting.
[And he was really, really good at fighting. Not like, Sephiroth-level, in his prime, nobody was that good. But he made a mark on his own. Everything else he does just ends up at best passable. Kinda mediocre. He really was a model SOLDIER: good at what he does, obedient, loves battle. How far would he have gone, if Nibelheim hadn't happened? How much would he have tolerated?
He doesn't want to think about that.]
I wouldn't change my life back home. If I hadn't been SOLDIER, I wouldn't have met any of my favourite people. [Not Aerith, not Cloud, not Angeal. Not even Sephiroth.] Here... I can do something else. I think I wanna do something else.
The professor isn't wasteful, I'd have been put to work in some other project I suppose. Many experiments need subjects.
[And yet the idea doesn't seem to bother him. His life would have likely been over long before he was able to form memories, and that ... would have been a far less painful adventure.
But he understood very well the desire to do something else.
Be something else.]
If it's true that there's a way to return the dead back to a life in their own time, then maybe it's something you can aim for, eventually. .. You could try construction. Who needs heavy equipment when the guy you hired can lift a car?
[Zack makes a derisive noise but doesn't comment further on Hojo. He's a waste of air, and he saw plenty of shit science in the four years he was locked up, but whatever. Maybe he just got worse at it as he aged and got more desperate, with his prized creation missing in action.]
On the way back to Midgar I talked about bein' a mercenary. That was the game plan: not just fighting jobs, but any job. Whatever came my way, whatever I wanted to try. How's that for variety?
[He pauses then, his hands clasping together in his lap once more.]
...Here... Sharon said I should try mentoring. It's been stuck in my head since.
You've got time here to learn how to do different things that might be useful for 'any job'.
[What kind of things besides violence would even be expected of an ex-SOLDIER? Especially one who admits he doesn't have much of a different skillset? Maybe all the schools here can be of use for that.
Everyone needs mechanics. Maybe he should suggest it.]
A teacher? [That's what mentoring is, isn't it?] ... If you think you'd like it, why not. Maybe you'll enjoy it.
[Makes him kind of think, he hasn't made the most of this borrowed time, really. He's been floating too much, slacking off. Maybe that's his right, since he died. No responsibilities, no duties, no job except "live". He could keep doing that, could go as long as he lives in this world, untethered from Shinra and everything he used to live for, besides his friends.
That's not really him, though. He's always needed more, more. And maybe it's time to channel all of his selfishness into teaching a kid how to be selfish, himself.]
Teacher's a little too formal for a guy like me. Mentor's more fast and loose. I share what I know and teach what I want. There's even somebody I've got in mind, if he's up for it.
[For a few silent moments this is considered, quite content to go back to ignoring his own problems to focus on someone else's.
... Probably Cloud. There's a lot of things that might have gotten lost or skipped over, with being years in a mako tank. It would be beneficial to both Zack and Cloud, maybe give them a new focus. That's ... good, isnt it? They could grow stronger together. Closer. Make up for lost years!]
When you're done here you should go suggest it.
[Maybe with a present to cool tempers if Cloud caught wind of where Zack's been.]
I'm.. I don't know if that's a good idea, I'm not really safe to be around. [He both hated and loved being alone, but after what happened, was it a good idea to actively invite anyone into his vicinity?] It might be best if I'm left alone for a while. Besides which, I don't think Cloud will be willing to allow our association, and reasonably given what happened.
Yeah, nah. Cloud doesn't get to decide who my friends are. Or who's safe. Or who I forgive.
[Because even if it wasn't him, really, the act itself would at least require something forgiveness-adjacent. And Cloud doesn't have to forgive what happened, but it's within Zack's right to decide for himself. They can both deal.]
[Always prone to extremes whether or not it's warranted, his mind immediately goes to the possibility that Cloud and Zack's stubbornness may collide in a spectacularly negative way. What if Cloud chose to draw a line in the sand and demanded Zack pick one? What if Cloud decided it was lingering influence and not choice?
It's terribly alarming.]
Don't relationships of ... um, that ... sort .... require some measure of input from the other party? I don't want you to damage what you already have.
[Either option is just as likely. But what's also likely is that they might actually manage to get through with with sensible conversation and minimal yelling or thrown furniture.
Zack does not actually look alarmed at all.]
This might sound fake to you, but no bullshit: you're worth the risk to me.
..You know it's going to backfire one day, don't you?
[He doesn't sound as if he's going to fight about it, that sounds more like surrender to a different kind of inevitable; Zack will do precisely what he felt he should.
It did sound wrong, not because he doubted Zack's sincerity but because he disagreed with the conclusion in a very fundamental way. There were steps he could take if confronted later to make sure Zack didn't take the brunt of the blame. Redirecting Cloud's protective anger should be easy.
I'm not good at gauging how far is too far on a lot of things, that could go for anything you want to try to teach me.
Most stuff backfires on me eventually. Hasn't stopped me yet.
[Zack shrugs his shoulders. It's not like he doesn't think things will go south at some point. It happens a lot, both during his life back home and in this world. But the direness of usual reality can't keep him from believing that, somehow, things will turn out okay. ...Eventually.]
Yeah, we can work on that. Shinra never taught that shit at all. [They sure loved it when he went bananas on Wutai. And everywhere else, mission-wise. Probably didn't even give a shit that Sephiroth razed Nibelheim, they were just pissed they lost their strongest alien assets.
Though that brings him to the really big thing he'd been mulling over. The taller ask that is not, in truth, entirely an ask on his end, though he knows Sephiroth can still refuse. He's prepared to push for it, though, since if mentoring is too much, this surely will feel even more so.] ...And... I wanna do the bond thing. The new one.
[The new bond thing is an instant distraction, head snapping around to stare at Zack in disbelief.
Now he hasn't bothered to read on the information supplied for Unfamiliar Bonds, as he hadn't known any Myths when it became public knowledge, so assumes it is pretty much the same as a Familiar one. It had been a lifeline even if Vincent wasn't often present in person, the balance it offered has been precious. He hadn't had to wonder what the Turk's views were, he could simply sense his approval or disappointment and used it as a guideline for months. But that was Vincent.
This is Zack. This is the person he'd inflicted hideous pain on, the one he'd given impossible orders to on purpose. The one he'd been able to control. It wasn't someone else, not really. If the bond worked the same way, it was giving him another way to exert his own influence. Who held the weight of affecting the other, when it's a legend and myth?]
I'd assumed you were free of my or Jenova's influence. You might not be. How much do you know of that bond?
Ehhh. [Zack makes a wobbly hand gesture, very unhelpful.] I read some, kinda feels more like an equal thing? Push and pull of power, not just one side supporting. It's also breakable. I'm not worried about being under anybody's control, I remember how that feels. It's not a thing anymore.
[It may not have been his life but he'd still experienced it. He knows what it feels like to be enslaved- it's how he knows for certain how he's free, now. Maybe if Sephiroth went crazy for real and dumped a bunch of extra cells in him, that's apparently how it worked in that alternate reality. But he's not concerned about that happening with this Sephiroth, either.
If he were updated to the mad version of himself... that would be a very different situation. He'd rather not consider it unless it happens.]
[That implied the other kind was unbreakable, and he wasn't sure that was a thing, he couldn't feel the Turk anymore. If it was supposed to be permanent in Folkmore alone ... Maybe he wouldn't have accepted that one either.]
I think it'd give me a choice. It'd go both ways, if something happens.
[Something similar but different from what just happened- there are no guarantees it'd only be Sephiroth who could ever go out of control. Zack may not be affected by Jenova, but the trials get him, too.]
... He was. It .. erased the ability to say one thing but feel another. I knew if something I was doing made him uneasy or doubtful, or angered or alarmed him, and the bond ... stabilized the emotional struggles I'd been having since arriving here. Beforehand, and then again afterward, it was .. [He made a small gesture with one sharp clawed hand, as if he could pluck the right words from the air.] Difficult to maintain the calm and control I am expected to have.
[Being a teenager meant mood swings were already a problem.]
He was an effective leash, for all that I was an ongoing violation of his privacy. I knew he'd interfere if I did something I should not.
[Expecting that from Zack seemed terribly unfair.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2025-09-07 04:13 am (UTC)And for a long moment he's tempted to evade. Change the topic to something that left him feeling a little less bare.
That hadn't worked very well. Not much ever really would by his estimate, but actively making things worse did not help.]
... Sometimes.
[More often lately than before, when the entire effort seemed wholly pointless.]
I don't want more people to die, but.. I know how it sounds. I do. If I want to be a real hero, then that means sacrifices, just like all of you have made.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-07 06:48 am (UTC)Do you want to be a hero, still? Or do you think you have to, to avoid being a villain?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-07 09:51 am (UTC)[Until he found out heros were real.]
But the more I think about it.. the more I don't want to. Shinra isn't my doing. I didn't bring Jenova to the planet. I didn't start a war with Wutai. Why do I have to stop all of it? ... Besides the obvious of if I know and do nothing every bit of suffering and death is my fault because I didn't.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-08 10:21 pm (UTC)The way I see it, you don't have to be a hero. You just gotta avoid being a villain. And I never thought you were a villain at heart, so that way you can stay yourself, and it's the best route to getting what you want.
[Jenova needs him to wreck the world. If she can't get him, then she can sit and rot forever.]
That's what I wanted when you first got here, you know? I didn't want you to have to deal with all this shit. Deep down I knew it wasn't gonna stay secret for long, but I thought, how cool would it be if you could just learn how to be a kid, make friends, have fun. Learn the heavy stuff when you had the support for it. I really wanted that for you.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-08 10:55 pm (UTC)He still didn't.]
I wanted to know, though. As soon as I realized.. someone knew what I was, why I'm different, where I come from.. if I had .. anything beyond the labs, anything to look forward to. I wanted to know so much I used that truth ice cream from last summer on Vincent to force him to tell me what you hadn't.
[Almost absently he digs one claw into the tiny scales along his tail, working on lifting one up. They don't like to, but like a fish's scales, it's possible. What would it have been like, if he hadn't demanded answers?]
I don't regret knowing most of it. It kept me safe, when Jenova entered my dreams. If you hadn't told me, I don't know what would have happened to me. I don't think... being a 'normal kid' was ever in the cards for me, in any time. On any world. But it's a nice thought.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-08 11:57 pm (UTC)He should have asked Vincent so many questions. If only the guy wasn't gone now. If only he hadn't been kind of infuriating to talk to.]
Well, I definitely didn't say, nevermind think, that normal would be a thing. None of us are normal, we can't be normal with what's been put into us. But... yeah, would've been nice. Close to normal's better than not.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-09 01:26 pm (UTC)Even to Sephiroth, talking to Vincent could get infuriating. He hid so much that didn't need hiding.]
No, you didn't. But it's ... part of it, for me.
[Normal. Normal lives, normal families, perfectly ordinary boring expectations when growing up.]
If I hadn't turned out to be unusually strong, would I have just grown up to be a scientist as my human parents had been? That's almost normal. ..A Shinra kind of normal. And then none of you would have gotten dragged into it too. What would you have wanted to do, if SOLDIER was off the table? What did you want to be?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-11 02:06 am (UTC)[It's a good question, though. What would he have done... what could he have been?]
I've had to think about that sometimes, here. Like- could I have been happy, living a different life? Can I be anything besides a SOLDIER now? I dunno. I think if I'd been stuck in Gongaga I'd be miserable. I wanted to do more than just farm mushrooms and chase swamp monsters. If SOLDIER didn't exist, I'd probably be a regular trooper. Probably have died anyway. I was never good at much besides fighting.
[And he was really, really good at fighting. Not like, Sephiroth-level, in his prime, nobody was that good. But he made a mark on his own. Everything else he does just ends up at best passable. Kinda mediocre. He really was a model SOLDIER: good at what he does, obedient, loves battle. How far would he have gone, if Nibelheim hadn't happened? How much would he have tolerated?
He doesn't want to think about that.]
I wouldn't change my life back home. If I hadn't been SOLDIER, I wouldn't have met any of my favourite people. [Not Aerith, not Cloud, not Angeal. Not even Sephiroth.] Here... I can do something else. I think I wanna do something else.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-11 09:02 pm (UTC)[And yet the idea doesn't seem to bother him. His life would have likely been over long before he was able to form memories, and that ... would have been a far less painful adventure.
But he understood very well the desire to do something else.
Be something else.]
If it's true that there's a way to return the dead back to a life in their own time, then maybe it's something you can aim for, eventually. .. You could try construction. Who needs heavy equipment when the guy you hired can lift a car?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-12 07:28 pm (UTC)On the way back to Midgar I talked about bein' a mercenary. That was the game plan: not just fighting jobs, but any job. Whatever came my way, whatever I wanted to try. How's that for variety?
[He pauses then, his hands clasping together in his lap once more.]
...Here... Sharon said I should try mentoring. It's been stuck in my head since.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-12 07:58 pm (UTC)[What kind of things besides violence would even be expected of an ex-SOLDIER? Especially one who admits he doesn't have much of a different skillset? Maybe all the schools here can be of use for that.
Everyone needs mechanics. Maybe he should suggest it.]
A teacher? [That's what mentoring is, isn't it?] ... If you think you'd like it, why not. Maybe you'll enjoy it.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-17 11:41 pm (UTC)That's not really him, though. He's always needed more, more. And maybe it's time to channel all of his selfishness into teaching a kid how to be selfish, himself.]
Teacher's a little too formal for a guy like me. Mentor's more fast and loose. I share what I know and teach what I want. There's even somebody I've got in mind, if he's up for it.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-18 12:19 am (UTC)... Probably Cloud. There's a lot of things that might have gotten lost or skipped over, with being years in a mako tank. It would be beneficial to both Zack and Cloud, maybe give them a new focus. That's ... good, isnt it? They could grow stronger together. Closer. Make up for lost years!]
When you're done here you should go suggest it.
[Maybe with a present to cool tempers if Cloud caught wind of where Zack's been.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-18 03:36 am (UTC)I'll just do it now. The somebody is you.
[Hopefully it doesn't require a present. He didn't bring anything.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-18 10:09 am (UTC)[The turmoil returns, almost instantly.]
I'm.. I don't know if that's a good idea, I'm not really safe to be around. [He both hated and loved being alone, but after what happened, was it a good idea to actively invite anyone into his vicinity?] It might be best if I'm left alone for a while. Besides which, I don't think Cloud will be willing to allow our association, and reasonably given what happened.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-18 11:58 pm (UTC)[Because even if it wasn't him, really, the act itself would at least require something forgiveness-adjacent. And Cloud doesn't have to forgive what happened, but it's within Zack's right to decide for himself. They can both deal.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-19 12:19 am (UTC)It's terribly alarming.]
Don't relationships of ... um, that ... sort .... require some measure of input from the other party? I don't want you to damage what you already have.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-19 02:40 am (UTC)Zack does not actually look alarmed at all.]
This might sound fake to you, but no bullshit: you're worth the risk to me.
Car tag
Date: 2025-09-19 03:50 pm (UTC)[He doesn't sound as if he's going to fight about it, that sounds more like surrender to a different kind of inevitable; Zack will do precisely what he felt he should.
It did sound wrong, not because he doubted Zack's sincerity but because he disagreed with the conclusion in a very fundamental way. There were steps he could take if confronted later to make sure Zack didn't take the brunt of the blame. Redirecting Cloud's protective anger should be easy.
I'm not good at gauging how far is too far on a lot of things, that could go for anything you want to try to teach me.
beep beep
Date: 2025-09-19 04:43 pm (UTC)[Zack shrugs his shoulders. It's not like he doesn't think things will go south at some point. It happens a lot, both during his life back home and in this world. But the direness of usual reality can't keep him from believing that, somehow, things will turn out okay. ...Eventually.]
Yeah, we can work on that. Shinra never taught that shit at all. [They sure loved it when he went bananas on Wutai. And everywhere else, mission-wise. Probably didn't even give a shit that Sephiroth razed Nibelheim, they were just pissed they lost their strongest alien assets.
Though that brings him to the really big thing he'd been mulling over. The taller ask that is not, in truth, entirely an ask on his end, though he knows Sephiroth can still refuse. He's prepared to push for it, though, since if mentoring is too much, this surely will feel even more so.] ...And... I wanna do the bond thing. The new one.
More car
Date: 2025-09-19 06:12 pm (UTC)Now he hasn't bothered to read on the information supplied for Unfamiliar Bonds, as he hadn't known any Myths when it became public knowledge, so assumes it is pretty much the same as a Familiar one. It had been a lifeline even if Vincent wasn't often present in person, the balance it offered has been precious. He hadn't had to wonder what the Turk's views were, he could simply sense his approval or disappointment and used it as a guideline for months. But that was Vincent.
This is Zack. This is the person he'd inflicted hideous pain on, the one he'd given impossible orders to on purpose. The one he'd been able to control. It wasn't someone else, not really. If the bond worked the same way, it was giving him another way to exert his own influence. Who held the weight of affecting the other, when it's a legend and myth?]
I'd assumed you were free of my or Jenova's influence. You might not be. How much do you know of that bond?
[All he knows is the other kind.]
Re: More car
Date: 2025-09-19 07:08 pm (UTC)[It may not have been his life but he'd still experienced it. He knows what it feels like to be enslaved- it's how he knows for certain how he's free, now. Maybe if Sephiroth went crazy for real and dumped a bunch of extra cells in him, that's apparently how it worked in that alternate reality. But he's not concerned about that happening with this Sephiroth, either.
If he were updated to the mad version of himself... that would be a very different situation. He'd rather not consider it unless it happens.]
no subject
Date: 2025-09-19 07:55 pm (UTC)[That implied the other kind was unbreakable, and he wasn't sure that was a thing, he couldn't feel the Turk anymore. If it was supposed to be permanent in Folkmore alone ... Maybe he wouldn't have accepted that one either.]
Will it let you stop me, if I can't stop myself?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-19 08:16 pm (UTC)[Something similar but different from what just happened- there are no guarantees it'd only be Sephiroth who could ever go out of control. Zack may not be affected by Jenova, but the trials get him, too.]
Vincent was good for you, wasn't he?
no subject
Date: 2025-09-19 08:39 pm (UTC)[Being a teenager meant mood swings were already a problem.]
He was an effective leash, for all that I was an ongoing violation of his privacy. I knew he'd interfere if I did something I should not.
[Expecting that from Zack seemed terribly unfair.]
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