Yeah, it probably wouldn't have helped. Zack and I got into it and we both knew what was happening.
Oh. That's... I doubt he'd want me to know that. Let him know I know.
Yeah? I did, though. Knowing wouldn't have stopped me from loving on him, it's a fucking omen, I don't care, but... I don't know, it just didn't sound right when you explained it. It came off as manipulative.
He doesn't hide it, as far as I know, or I wouldn't have mentioned it. She's dead, regardless, so it doesn't matter much.
I would like to know if you found it manipulative on a whole or if you found it manipulative because it was, specifically, me. Given my torments in the future seem to revolve around such things.
You don't think she'd want to spend time with you?
Yeah, kinda. I don't think it's right, though. I made judgments about you based on things you haven't even done. I don't normally give a shit, I'm not all that different from your older self. But I was in Cloud's head last year... I saw him like he sees you.
No. She chose to abandon me not long after I was born, I doubt she'd change her mind once she learned what I am, and what I become.
Everyone must make judgments based on the information available to them. He has every reason to be afraid of me, and no reason to trust.
I suppose if you share his perspective then that goes for you too. It explains your hostility in the fog Trial. I don't blame you. Either of you. It's the most sensible course of action.
Oh. [ That information about Lucrecia hits a bit too close to home for Sharon and she opts not to add anything else. BUT YO FUCK THAT BITCH
She's ready to push back, but then... the fog trial. The mention of it catches her off guard, and guilt churns in her gut like rising bile. It would be so easy to apologize, to nod, to let it go. He could go on believing it was Thirteen forever.
But it doesn’t feel right.
She doesn’t feel right. ]
There wasn't any fog trial, Sephiroth. That was me. [ No excuses here. ] You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry.
Sephiroth had forgiven those chains of events. The terror he couldn't pretend was anything but, the guilt and shame and pain, loss after loss etched as clearly as the literal writing that had adorned the walls. Reminder after reminder of his failures, the blood on his hands, the ruination he brought wherever he went.
But it had been for a purpose, all Thirteen's Trials had a purpose and the end result was ever to try to make them better, whatever 'better' happened to be. He just had to believe in the process.
There had been no process. His 'omen' still wore the scars of that encounter on his hide, marring black and red with the twisting rictus of terrible burns.
It still troubled his dreams more often than not, six months away.]
To hurt him. To rip out any semblance of guilt that existed inside of him and let it wreck him. To give him to his demons. To see what monsters haunted the man that fucked my friend's head. To watch him suffer and die.
You are not the first to wound me simply to see if I can still feel pain. You will not be the last. I am that man, unless I can do the impossible, at best it is not meant for me 'yet'.
One goal reached, but not the other. Your friend achieved it a few days later for you, if it's any consolation.
Were you ever in any real danger? Playing the victim versus who I am later doesn't seem to be a wise path.
[Text and distance provides the semblance of calm and rationality.
Sharon really wasn't the first to resort to torture for little more than the sadistic joy of it. They too hid it behind other reasons, and he has to write slowly to make sure there's no errors, no slipped keys, nothing but what he intends to say.]
If I'd wanted you dead, I wouldn't have pulled us out when I did. —and I didn't know about that, fucking hell.
Some. That talking asshole... They don't talk. Shouldn't talk. Everything in that place is designed to find life and snuff it out. Me included. But if you'd have left me, I would've gotten away. My guardian was ready... The pyramid thing. [ At this point, she's not even thinking about her answers, she's just answering. ]
Yeah, I doubt that. [ But she also can't really... fault Cloud here. (you're doing wonderful, sweetie) ]
You don't have to answer this, but I'm curious: why did you obey it? It didn't try to hurt you or force you into it. It didn't even need to convince you.
No, I did. I'm not sure what else you'd call fighting someone and running them through on purpose. I am the engineer of my own punishments, one way or another.
[It had obviously not been Hojo, but it still was--]
I don't make it a habit of lying. Point being, it isn't as if I've done nothing untoward and am a sweet and innocent pure soul. I've killed hundreds. Those graves, in that other place? Those people?
They were a nation once.
It doesn't matter. The next time it won't be an illusion, and I know what I have to do.
[ UNTOWARD!? God, this kid comes off so so old sometimes. ] Big whoop, don't care. I've killed hundreds, too. I just wanted to know if you were actively pushing Cloud or if he'd just been so triggered he snapped, that's all. I was curious.
How do you expect to face him if you can't even face the 'illusion'?
That was addressing the 'somehow you think I don't deserve it' problem. I pushed him. Didn't you read what I wrote? I could have gutted him if I wanted to and chose to hurt him badly instead so it would last longer.
[Which.. is true, but also not quite the way he's making it sound. Cloud was absolutely provoked, and he didn't want the blond man to have to deal with any OTHER trouble on account of him.
That it was in the end a misunderstanding and a serious chain of misfortunate events didn't matter. He could handle the backlash of being assumed malevolent, Cloud didn't deserve any such label. He'd been through so much already.
Sephiroth doesn't lie most of the time, but it's so easy to leave out the things that might mitigate it and keep blame where it belongs.]
If all goes well, from ambush! :) I don't have to obey orders that don't have time to be spoken!
I WAS MAKING SURE! [ You know... because she had attacked him unprovoked. Listen, sometimes a girl has to double check shit. ] Also, wow, asshole.
Ambush. I mean, it could work. [ But if he failed... Fuck. ] Or you could find a way over whatever bullshit programming he's beaten into you. It's not like you don't know someone who can pull a version of him out of you to practice on.
[It's better if people remain wary and suspicious of him. If Thirteen sent him back home and he failed in his goals of offing Hojo and Jenova, and then he was returned to Folkmore, the monster no longer buried..]
If it makes you feel better, he won. Again. I'm pretty sure I know why I keep losing in the future now.
I can't say I'm eager to submit myself to that again, but the offer is ... I'm not sure if 'kind' is the right word given the context. It may not choose to show me him again regardless.
Besides which, it feels as if I am trading one weakness for another.
You died, so, yeah. Is it because he's angrier than you? [ Rage and hatred are some of the most powerful emotions in Sharon's incredibly biased opinion. ]
I'd think breaking his hold on you would be worth a little fear. You get used to it after a while.
No. I wasn't taking it as seriously as I should have been. And if all I do is grow in power, it won't matter at all if I keep making that mistake. I'm unsure if it's one I should try to overcome, given how things normally turn out. Being stoppable is a good thing.
I have found it best to plan for the worst and hope for the best. Everything I hope to accomplish can be pretty firmly and immediately ended if my alien mother is stronger than I am.
After a lifetime of having such reactions trained out of me I should hope you weren't able to tell that none of it was just fine.
Even the dogs. Casimir has burns like they did. I think about it a lot.
That... makes sense. [ The plan for the worst, hope for the best. She has some trouble comprehending the alien mother bit. Her knowledge of Jenova is jumbled (and well over a year old now). ]
Oh. [ Yeah, no, she definitely deserves to feel like a piece of shit. ]
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2025-02-04 01:27 am (UTC)Oh. That's... I doubt he'd want me to know that. Let him know I know.
Yeah? I did, though. Knowing wouldn't have stopped me from loving on him, it's a fucking omen, I don't care, but... I don't know, it just didn't sound right when you explained it. It came off as manipulative.
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Date: 2025-02-04 01:30 am (UTC)I would like to know if you found it manipulative on a whole or if you found it manipulative because it was, specifically, me. Given my torments in the future seem to revolve around such things.
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Date: 2025-02-04 01:37 am (UTC)I found it manipulative as a whole but especially because it's you. Slippery paths and all.
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Date: 2025-02-04 01:40 am (UTC)Mine is unlikely to. And if she did, I'm certain they will keep each other well occupied.
Reasonable justification.
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Date: 2025-02-04 02:03 am (UTC)Yeah, kinda. I don't think it's right, though. I made judgments about you based on things you haven't even done. I don't normally give a shit, I'm not all that different from your older self. But I was in Cloud's head last year... I saw him like he sees you.
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Date: 2025-02-04 02:06 am (UTC)Everyone must make judgments based on the information available to them. He has every reason to be afraid of me, and no reason to trust.
I suppose if you share his perspective then that goes for you too. It explains your hostility in the fog Trial. I don't blame you. Either of you. It's the most sensible course of action.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-04 02:40 am (UTC)She's ready to push back, but then... the fog trial. The mention of it catches her off guard, and guilt churns in her gut like rising bile. It would be so easy to apologize, to nod, to let it go. He could go on believing it was Thirteen forever.
But it doesn’t feel right.
She doesn’t feel right. ]
There wasn't any fog trial, Sephiroth. That was me. [ No excuses here. ] You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry.
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Date: 2025-02-04 02:50 am (UTC)Sephiroth had forgiven those chains of events. The terror he couldn't pretend was anything but, the guilt and shame and pain, loss after loss etched as clearly as the literal writing that had adorned the walls. Reminder after reminder of his failures, the blood on his hands, the ruination he brought wherever he went.
But it had been for a purpose, all Thirteen's Trials had a purpose and the end result was ever to try to make them better, whatever 'better' happened to be. He just had to believe in the process.
There had been no process. His 'omen' still wore the scars of that encounter on his hide, marring black and red with the twisting rictus of terrible burns.
It still troubled his dreams more often than not, six months away.]
Was there a purpose?
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Date: 2025-02-04 03:09 am (UTC)But none of that was meant for you.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-04 03:16 am (UTC)One goal reached, but not the other. Your friend achieved it a few days later for you, if it's any consolation.
Were you ever in any real danger? Playing the victim versus who I am later doesn't seem to be a wise path.
[Text and distance provides the semblance of calm and rationality.
Sharon really wasn't the first to resort to torture for little more than the sadistic joy of it. They too hid it behind other reasons, and he has to write slowly to make sure there's no errors, no slipped keys, nothing but what he intends to say.]
no subject
Date: 2025-02-04 03:46 am (UTC)Some. That talking asshole... They don't talk. Shouldn't talk. Everything in that place is designed to find life and snuff it out. Me included. But if you'd have left me, I would've gotten away. My guardian was ready... The pyramid thing. [ At this point, she's not even thinking about her answers, she's just answering. ]
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Date: 2025-02-04 03:54 am (UTC)The Professor is not as alarming if he is silent. Quiet would not elicit the required suffering.
Thank you for telling me.
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Date: 2025-02-04 04:33 am (UTC)You don't have to answer this, but I'm curious: why did you obey it? It didn't try to hurt you or force you into it. It didn't even need to convince you.
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Date: 2025-02-04 02:14 pm (UTC)[It had obviously not been Hojo, but it still was--]
I don't know.
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Date: 2025-02-05 11:12 pm (UTC)Okay. It's not like it's easy to face someone who has hurt you even if it's not really them.
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Date: 2025-02-05 11:17 pm (UTC)They were a nation once.
It doesn't matter. The next time it won't be an illusion, and I know what I have to do.
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Date: 2025-02-05 11:28 pm (UTC)How do you expect to face him if you can't even face the 'illusion'?
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Date: 2025-02-05 11:35 pm (UTC)[Which.. is true, but also not quite the way he's making it sound. Cloud was absolutely provoked, and he didn't want the blond man to have to deal with any OTHER trouble on account of him.
That it was in the end a misunderstanding and a serious chain of misfortunate events didn't matter. He could handle the backlash of being assumed malevolent, Cloud didn't deserve any such label. He'd been through so much already.
Sephiroth doesn't lie most of the time, but it's so easy to leave out the things that might mitigate it and keep blame where it belongs.]
If all goes well, from ambush! :) I don't have to obey orders that don't have time to be spoken!
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Date: 2025-02-05 11:46 pm (UTC)Ambush. I mean, it could work. [ But if he failed... Fuck. ] Or you could find a way over whatever bullshit programming he's beaten into you. It's not like you don't know someone who can pull a version of him out of you to practice on.
If you'd be interested.
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Date: 2025-02-05 11:53 pm (UTC)If it makes you feel better, he won. Again. I'm pretty sure I know why I keep losing in the future now.
I can't say I'm eager to submit myself to that again, but the offer is ... I'm not sure if 'kind' is the right word given the context. It may not choose to show me him again regardless.
Besides which, it feels as if I am trading one weakness for another.
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Date: 2025-02-06 12:26 am (UTC)I'd think breaking his hold on you would be worth a little fear. You get used to it after a while.
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Date: 2025-02-06 12:41 am (UTC)"A little fear." Hm.
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Date: 2025-02-06 01:07 am (UTC)All right, fine, a lot of fear. You seemed to handle yourself just fine. None of the other monsters even seemed to phase you.
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Date: 2025-02-06 01:13 am (UTC)After a lifetime of having such reactions trained out of me I should hope you weren't able to tell that none of it was just fine.
Even the dogs. Casimir has burns like they did. I think about it a lot.
no subject
Date: 2025-02-06 03:05 am (UTC)Oh. [ Yeah, no, she definitely deserves to feel like a piece of shit. ]
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